attention/affection/ascension

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What’s love got to do with it?
Everything.
Everything.
I’ve opened up now
that door to the deepest part of me
that beautiful box
that my hundreds
of lovers
have dipped into
indulged in
tasted
Everything is pouring out now
is coming
forth
Are you ready?
-----------------
As the years
the lovers
went by
the line between sex and love
grew thinner
blurred
Because what is love
if not attention and (hopefully) affection?
And what is fucking
if not attention and (hopefully) affection?
Not to mention the fact that
attention and affection
often lead to fucking?
I will admit
despite all the attention and affection
I always wanted more
The part of me that craved it
the toddler, the small child
found herself
creating her own attention and affection
out of desperate need
Only to be told over and over
that it was a sin
Pleasure was a sin
Touching myself was a sin
I couldn't have Jesus
if I kept it up
But you have to understand
Jesus
never
made me
come
I wanted Jesus, I really did
When he was in my heart,
and I was full of the holy spirit,
I felt mostly peaceful. Good. Worthy.
I knew he loved me
but
it was not the kind of love I craved
not the kind I needed
Jesus spoke a foreign tongue
words I couldn’t understand
He fed me small discs of rice flour
when I wanted chocolate
sips of sour red wine
when I wanted grapes
fed to me
one by one
What love I did feel was
so very conditional
Jesus loved me
but not if I made myself come
not if I made someone else come
not if someone else came inside me
not if someone held me and stroked my hair
and told me
I was so great
amazing
perfect
I could have one or the other
but not both
So I chose
I was a slut
with the tenderest of hearts
I was a whore
full of
empathy and compassion
I was a bad girl
pouring out love and kindness
hoping someone would notice
hoping someone would speak my language
understand me
see
me
So, I am here to admit it
I am still a slut
a submissive
a woman who loves kneeling before a man
and wanting him to
make me
make him
come
A siren
luring men and women away
from those they
supposedly
love
I am a weeper
who cries when
someone gives me
a mind-blowing orgasm
then holds me tenderly
I am a giver
who wants you to feel
absolutely beautiful and desirable
I am a voyeur
watching
I am an exhibitionist
watching you watching
I am
open
wet
and ready
for anything
And if that means
Jesus will never take the wheel
that’s okay
because this vehicle
is
self-driving