personal essays and reflections of a queer woman
the other day, i was watching a video essay on the dangers of too much self-awareness. some things the vid pointed out: self-awareness can lead to over-researching in favor of actually doing the thing being researched self-aware people don’t live enough because they can get too busy self-monitoring self-aware people are always trying to label things to try and “justify” things, e.g. themselves,…
i've been doing and getting into new things lately. mostly quality of life stuff, and most don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but they are new to me, so i thought it would be fun to list them down. i got into perfumes. well, if you can call getting a sample-size decant, "got into". i'm still trying to figure out what i like and don't like, but i've learned that musky doesn't mean…
this is how i've been using youtube the past few months. i allow the algorithm to happen to me. i scroll through my youtube homepage and look at thumbnails and titles, mostly clickbait, sometimes an obscure music compilation with less than 1,000 views. when a video looks like something i might want to watch, i click on the three dots to the right of the video title and channel name. i save the…
for the longest time, i'd convinced myself that i didn't "need" friends. not necessarily in the misanthrope sense, i guess, but more like, i didn't want to place too much importance in other people. whatever that means. i had friends, and i love and care about them very much, but i just never had the feeling like they were my "best" friends. i don't really know how to explain this, except that, i…
the last time we watched a film on the big screen was sinners from last year, so it seems only fitting that the big-screen-film that followed was this. i know people always talk about how fresh it is when a space film isn't the usual clinical, cold, hi-tech aesthetic, and i think project hail mary does this really well. there's an insanely fun and soulful diy spirit about the film, and half of…
some people grew up with separated or divorced parents. my parents stuck with each other even though they didn't get along, and that made me someone who grew up wishing their parents would separate or divorce. not to open discourse on nature vs nurture or anything like that, or the impact of having or not having functional parents growing up. but as i grow older, i'm starting to realize the good…
speaking as someone who doesn't like being told what to do, the best way to stop people telling you what to do is to just do the thing before they get to tell you to do it. this is exactly like my years of growing up being told to "eat more" and "eat faster" and "eat more frequently" because i was too thin and skinny and underweight and it was bad for me. and i know they're right and were always…
i've been trying to not let youtube dictate what i watch recently by making my "own" algorithm. but this isn't a post about that, because as always, i got distracted. instead of doing what i set out to do, as i was browsing youtube earlier, the algorithm actually recommended me a video breaking down nina simone's montreux concert from 1976. in the past month or so, i've developed the habit of…
recently, i've been trying to read more bearblogs, both on the trending and most recent pages. i've come to really enjoy reading them, even if there are occasionally posts i don't agree with. anyway, i've noticed some /now 1 posts and pages in the most recent section pop up occasionally. naturally, this has made me think of whether or not my bearblog needed its own /now page. my only problem is…
not a fan of this topic being my first post for the year, but it feels timely for me right now. when i lost my fully work from home job last year, the one thing i dreaded was potentially having to settle for something i had to leave the house for. during the first few weeks of the job hunt, i had intentionally ignored and scrolled past job postings that required in-office work. i even skipped past…